Groupie to musician: “No, seriously, I want to have your baby”

Matt Camirand (left) has nice jeans—I mean, genes. Photo courtesy of Jagjaguwar.

When I was fourteen, I had the biggest crush on Ricky Martin.

I used to fall asleep to the imaginary chime of wedding bells and pretend sweet, Spanish nothings were being whispered into my ear.

Yeah, I know. 

But before you laugh at my apparent Tiger Beat taste in men, let it be known that it wasn’t my fault.

Evolution made me do it

According to TV documentary The Musical Brain, the concept of a female musician was non-existent in prehistoric times. Only men sang or played instruments, and those males were seen as being smart, creative and healthy. 

Long story short, this translated into “good baby-making material.”

University of New Mexico evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller says the “prehistoric mind wires women to be instinctively drawn to strong, fit, intelligent men for protection and procreation.”

It’s this biological instinct that makes women fall head-over-heels for leather-clad, eyeliner-sporting rock stars. 

Mainstream musicians are still coveted by fourteen-year-olds and forty-year-olds today, no doubt. But for the most part, I’m inclined to argue that independent music has put a fork in the road of evolutionary desire. 

Although big-label artists (ie: Ricky Martin) are the equivalent to bottled pheromones, natural selection and survival of the fittest ultimately produce the cream of the crop. In other words, independent musicians need to work much harder to promote their music, making them heftier and more creative than a musician made popular by money.

This is why I no longer dream about Ricky Martin. And why I feel more drawn towards independent artists. 

Which leaves me with the question: What Canadian indie musician would be good baby-making material?

After a complicated formula involving the musical genre, instrument played, looks, clothing style, creativity and accomplishments (this year’s JUNO Awards being the common denominator of big accomplishments), here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Black Mountain‘s Matt Camirand: He’s got tattoos head to toe, fitting the stereotypical rocker image; plays bass and naturally procures beautiful rhythms; fronts side project Blood Meridian; and, on the phone, is quite a nice guy. Right now, I say he’s top baby-making material.

2. Chad VanGaalen: Can make music out of almost anything; would be a great storyteller for the little ones (minus stories about murder ie: “Molten Light”); would also be a good coloring buddy for kids; and he is very tall so perhaps his genes would overpower mine. 

3. Elliott Brood‘s Mark Sasso: Always dresses sharp; sings and writes beautiful country tunes; would serenade you in a heartbeat; is a history buff; and has a raw hunger for music, thus dubbing his genre “death country.”

What indie artist do you think would be good baby-making material? Feel free to comment below. 

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